TravelCD

There have been plenty of times I’ve felt out of place, I think I’ll talk about three. (This is a very long in depth prompt, be warned!)

The most recent, less serious one was when I went to my Spanish School. I was accidentally put into a higher class and they didn’t have any room for me to be put into the lower classes until the second week.

I thought I could deal with it, since I understood the Spanish paper tests we did but this was more of a class where you talked to each other, so most of the time I was sitting there, not understanding what was being talked about. I felt very out of place and it didn’t help my roommate was in this class, yet I felt very distant from her, so there was this awkward feeling there.

Now the more serious ones in when I was younger, in school, I’ve always felt out of place. I was quiet and awkward, slower to pick up on things due to my dyslexia and that lead me to being bullied, and I didn’t really know how to interact with other people, I also wasn’t interested in what a lot of the other girls in my year was interested in, which lead me to having no friends and hanging out in the library or the IT Room in my lunch breaks. I did have things that knocked my confidence where some kids actually pretended to be my friends then straight up decided to ignore me, which hurt a lot. But was actually content with being on my own at the library or the IT room at the time but now I regret not trying to actively find friends as I feel like that effected my social skills later on and when I did want to actually make friends at University I realised I lacked the social skills to keep them. I had one person I thought would be a life long friend at University we clicked so well, but after University it was difficult to meet and we both lost contact with each other.

I did have friends from a Theatre Youth Group I was apart of, yep, while I was very quiet, I loved acting, pretending to be someone I wasn’t and I just felt so much more relaxed, however I grew distant with them after University and we all just stopped talking.

Right now of this screen, face to face, I have only one friend and I do have constant worries that she’ll eventually stop talking to me despite us being friends for at least 5-6 years now but I know that’s just my anxiety getting the best of me.

Now after pouring my anxiety over this blog, sorry about that, I’ll talk about what I think has also made me feel out of place the most, even more so than my school years.

I’m asexual, there, I said it. I always felt nervous about talking about it, if you don’t know what it means, basically I have no interest in sleeping with another, yes you can put your head in the gutter. I’m interested in kissing and in a romantic sense in other people but nothing more. Some people who are asexual have it the other way around, not interested in romance but interested in sleeping with someone else, with some have no interest in both.

However while I am interested in romance, it is not a huge part of me, if someone said would you rather a partner or a career or travel, or something like that, my answer would be career or travel every time.

So living up in society today, that expects you at some point to want a partner, that have so many people obsess over it and I’m just here, scratching my head, wondering what the big deal is.

I’ve had so many moments where someones said, wouldn’t it be nice to share, a house/pet/This moment/Travel with a partner and I’m thinking, whats wrong with doing it alone and if I don’t want to do it alone couldn’t I just share it with a friend instead? Get a flatmate, have some fun, why does it need to be a partner?

It’s just strange to be in my late twenties and see other people actually around my age worry about this stuff, worry that they’ll have no one but I’m thinking you have friends and your still in your twenties, whats the big deal?

But of course I know now, that the reason I don’t understand is because I’m asexual but for a long time before I knew I was asexual, I was SO confused at why sleeping with someone else or/and getting a partner was such a big focus in other peoples lives.

This leads me on too my opinion on having kids too, I think more and more women are like this so it’s not strange but just like when I tell people, I’m not actually interested in having a partner, I also get similar reactions when I say I honestly don’t want children.

“You’ll change your mind eventually”

Yeah…No I won’t.

Like having a partner, I never had the urge to want children. They just look like stress, responsability and a bratty teenager you’ll eventually have to deal with, no thank you.

These two things combined but especially me being asexual, considering so much revolves around having a partner now a days and being that topic of conversation, has definitely made me feel out of place, most of my life.

People, Fiction, Film, Animation all telling you the same message, that you’ll always find someone for you.

I do like romance so its not a problem but it’s not something I focus on at all, and would rather do other stuff, so how do I tell the world, it’s not for me?

How do I tell them that though when loving being a women is talked about, childbirth is usually number one or two talking points, yet I hope I never experience childbirth, since I do not want a child, so when a person says childbirth is the best thing about being a women, I look at that person and wonder, what do you think of me? Someone who does not want to produce that miracle, am I worth less in your eyes?

This I think is the deepest I’ve ever been on this blog. And sharing a lot about my thoughts. I hope if people comment, they are understanding or accepting. I often found that we don’t need to understand peoples differences and sometimes its hard since our situations are so different and we haven’t experienced what they have but we can accept them, anyone can do that.